My heart would not let me go on. No I am not a scrooge I use to love the holidays and everything involved. But back in 2011 my holidays lost all meanings. They are now the hardest times to get through. My husband ( Leroy ) was like a child when it came to Thanksgiving and Christmas. He so loved to decorate and did it so well. A big Thanksgiving dinner was a must. Then the day after Thanksgiving Leroy would begin the decorations for Christmas…and that is when the child in him came out. He did the tree with all the decorations and lights and then proceeded to go out front to put up the lights on the roof and all the decorations in the front yard. I did the decorations on the windows, hanging wreaths and garlands along with all the other Christmas items. It was a festive time. And we was beginning to feel the joy of the holidays
Then on Nov. 3, 2011 he passed away, and so did my joy for life. Just a few weeks before the holidays. I knew in my mind that holidays would never be the same, but I did not expect it to be that way forever. I was wrong. Every year comes the holidays and the hole in my chest would get even bigger, the pain of missing him is so strong. First year everyone understood, but now years later no one understands. The emptiness I feel and with no desire for life. Watching the people they are all feeling the joy of Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I feel more pain and emptiness. I cry and no one hears.
I want so bad to feel that joy again, but without the love of my life by my side…I don’t know if it is possible. I have not decorated since his passing, something inside of me won’t allow me to. I so want to change but my heart will not stop hurting. So many things brings back memories, although they are good memories the pain is even stronger. I pray to God every night…please help me…please make this pain stop….please take me to where I belong…please allow me to join my husband for I don’t know how to live without him. No one understands.