So much time has passed but the feelings have not changed. Wondering each day will there come a time when I will be whole once again. The answer is no. I’m not the person I once was and never will be that person again. Seems no one understands these feelings of mine. I have no control of them. I try hard each and everyday to become the person I once was, but knowing that will never be possible. Because the day you left for your new home in heaven, you took a big part of me with you. And at that time the changes began. Each day I put on my survival face and go out the door to begin yet another day alone. Hard as it may be, I push myself to be the person everyone wants me to be. Smiling and chatting as if there is nothing wrong within the world. I’ve become such a good actress, no one knows the pain still exist. But once no one is looking, my head goes down, my shoulders weakens and my walk begins to slow. The energy for life I once had is gone. The smile on my face is just to make others happy when inside I am still hurting. Because of the changes I’ve gone through, I have lost family and friends along the way. In the beginning everyone understands, and will go out of their ways to console you. But in time they grow tired of the emotional roller coaster and then they no longer understanding and they drift away, left alone to deal in my own way. Losing interest in all life’s activities. I began closing myself away from the world, hiding from everyone and the happiness of life. Finding a safe haven locked behind my doors. Inside my home and behind locked doors, I can be the person I truly am. I don’t have to put on an act, I can be me. I walk the floors of my home over and over again thinking of you and all the things we shared. All the happy times we had together. I speak to you as if you are still here by my side and there is no one here to judge me. In my home I am at my most peaceful times. I wait each and every day for my time to come join you. Sitting by your side and feeling your love. That is the only wish I have left. This is not how I chose to live but learning to accept these changes in life has been the hardest acceptance of all times.