To set apart from others, To put by itself
To place or be placed
Isolator….a noun…..that’s what I am to myself without even knowing
Yes that is what I did to myself and didn’t even know until I sat back and looked at my life and what it has become. It started around the date April 14, 2016. The first step I took was deactivation my Facebook account. I just got so tired of spending so much time with something that only made me feel even worst about the way my life turned out. I spent the first 38 yrs. of my life with the one and only true love of mine. Since his passing I have lost all will for life. My interest in life is gone, I just make it through one day just to get to the next day, wishing life away. At one point in my life I did not like to sleep, I slept very few hours at a time, I wanted to spend my life..”My Time” “awake” being with my love ♥ Leroy ♥ and that was Good, because I was happy and in love. But Now? I find sleeping is a way to escape the pain of the hole in my chest that was created the day he passed taking so much of me and the best part of my life with him. But no one sees the pain I still carry. So with that said, Facebook is nice, lots of friends but I need to go on.
Then more and more days I found myself keeping my phone on privacy mode. I would see if there was any activities going on with my phone liking receiving a text or a notice. But mostly I use my phone for reading my books from Amazon and Goodreads. My new hobby that gives me peace, a real satisfaction of some kind. But now I spend most of my time alone…in silence…enjoying my alone time reading. A new good feeling. And I kind of like being in my own world undisturbed, just me and Mickey. Here is where I find my Peace.
It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while Its not so overwhelming. – Unknown
They say, having a red cardinal come around you is a sign from your love one who has pass…they are near by. So for days after I seen this post on Facebook, I looked for my red cardinal but they never showed up, until now. Yesterday I spotted two birds up in a tree in my yard and I waited patiently for them to come closer. It was two bird, one was definitely was a red cardinal. They never got close enough to take a picture of. But then this morning they were back. This time they were much closer and I was able to get a much better shot at getting a picture of them. Cardinals, in the family Cardinalidae, are passerine birds found in North and South America. They are also known as cardinal-grosbeaks and cardinal-buntings. Their color alone will put a smile on your face, they are a stunning bright red….so beautiful. “ Red Birds – When you see a red bird in winter, you will prosper in spring. When you hear a Cardinal sing, your sadness will soon be lifted. When a red bird shows up, help is on the way.“ Giving credit to The Cardinal Experience. In my opinion they are in a beauty of their own. And for the last two days I had the pleasure of citing these beauties in my yard. A Cardinal loss – A cardinal loss is the loss of a life, and human life is something that cannot be restored or replaced. Most important, cardinal element in life is life itself
Love the Cardinal Experience . They also have a very good page on Angels, visit them here…….
this is where he is sitting on the wires above my yard.
Holiday Reminders of loved ones lost: Holidays are a time for reflection. All too often your thoughts turn to beloved family members and friends and our beloved Pets who have passed away. The subsequent sense of loss you feel can spoil even the happiest times of the year…made to be sad. CHRISTMAS. Making the holidays for those who are alone even harder. They even make this statement “The first holiday season spent without someone who’s died during the previous year can be very rough”. But what they don’t mention is that first year feelings can last for years later. In my case.
There are a lot of very good sites to visit when you are feeling down and for me brings a little joy into the holidays……Star Bright Angels is a very wonderful site. They seem to know just what you are feeling and some how post the right postings on Facebook that makes you think someone cares and understand. Thinking you could really have your Angels watching over you. This web site I fell upon while just trying to see if there is such a thing for this feeling I’m having, I call it the holiday blues. This web site was Last updated December 9, 1999 but still have a lot of good information….Holidays Blues….
Now for the first time in 5 years, since 2010 was the last time my house was decorated for the holidays. So this is my baby steps lots more to go. Trying to heal after losing a major part of my life, My husband. Picture is the front of my home where I still live alone after the death of my husband. No, not doing a tree. That was Leroy’s job. He’s in a better place waiting for me to join him and enjoy our tree together. Maybe time will heal more and my Angel will guide me into……….
So with that I leave with this one statement……”I Don’t need an angel on top of my tree, I already have one in heaven looking down on me” ♥ ♥ ♥
My heart would not let me go on. No I am not a scrooge I use to love the holidays and everything involved. But back in 2011 my holidays lost all meanings. They are now the hardest times to get through. My husband ( Leroy ) was like a child when it came to Thanksgiving and Christmas. He so loved to decorate and did it so well. A big Thanksgiving dinner was a must. Then the day after Thanksgiving Leroy would begin the decorations for Christmas…and that is when the child in him came out. He did the tree with all the decorations and lights and then proceeded to go out front to put up the lights on the roof and all the decorations in the front yard. I did the decorations on the windows, hanging wreaths and garlands along with all the other Christmas items. It was a festive time. And we was beginning to feel the joy of the holidays
Then on Nov. 3, 2011 he passed away, and so did my joy for life. Just a few weeks before the holidays. I knew in my mind that holidays would never be the same, but I did not expect it to be that way forever. I was wrong. Every year comes the holidays and the hole in my chest would get even bigger, the pain of missing him is so strong. First year everyone understood, but now years later no one understands. The emptiness I feel and with no desire for life. Watching the people they are all feeling the joy of Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I feel more pain and emptiness. I cry and no one hears.
I want so bad to feel that joy again, but without the love of my life by my side…I don’t know if it is possible. I have not decorated since his passing, something inside of me won’t allow me to. I so want to change but my heart will not stop hurting. So many things brings back memories, although they are good memories the pain is even stronger. I pray to God every night…please help me…please make this pain stop….please take me to where I belong…please allow me to join my husband for I don’t know how to live without him. No one understands.