To set apart from others, To put by itself
To place or be placed
Isolator….a noun…..that’s what I am to myself without even knowing
Yes that is what I did to myself and didn’t even know until I sat back and looked at my life and what it has become. It started around the date April 14, 2016. The first step I took was deactivation my Facebook account. I just got so tired of spending so much time with something that only made me feel even worst about the way my life turned out. I spent the first 38 yrs. of my life with the one and only true love of mine. Since his passing I have lost all will for life. My interest in life is gone, I just make it through one day just to get to the next day, wishing life away. At one point in my life I did not like to sleep, I slept very few hours at a time, I wanted to spend my life..”My Time” “awake” being with my love ♥ Leroy ♥ and that was Good, because I was happy and in love. But Now? I find sleeping is a way to escape the pain of the hole in my chest that was created the day he passed taking so much of me and the best part of my life with him. But no one sees the pain I still carry. So with that said, Facebook is nice, lots of friends but I need to go on.
Then more and more days I found myself keeping my phone on privacy mode. I would see if there was any activities going on with my phone liking receiving a text or a notice. But mostly I use my phone for reading my books from Amazon and Goodreads. My new hobby that gives me peace, a real satisfaction of some kind. But now I spend most of my time alone…in silence…enjoying my alone time reading. A new good feeling. And I kind of like being in my own world undisturbed, just me and Mickey. Here is where I find my Peace.
It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while Its not so overwhelming. – Unknown
They say, having a red cardinal come around you is a sign from your love one who has pass…they are near by. So for days after I seen this post on Facebook, I looked for my red cardinal but they never showed up, until now. Yesterday I spotted two birds up in a tree in my yard and I waited patiently for them to come closer. It was two bird, one was definitely was a red cardinal. They never got close enough to take a picture of. But then this morning they were back. This time they were much closer and I was able to get a much better shot at getting a picture of them. Cardinals, in the family Cardinalidae, are passerine birds found in North and South America. They are also known as cardinal-grosbeaks and cardinal-buntings. Their color alone will put a smile on your face, they are a stunning bright red….so beautiful. “ Red Birds – When you see a red bird in winter, you will prosper in spring. When you hear a Cardinal sing, your sadness will soon be lifted. When a red bird shows up, help is on the way.“ Giving credit to The Cardinal Experience. In my opinion they are in a beauty of their own. And for the last two days I had the pleasure of citing these beauties in my yard. A Cardinal loss – A cardinal loss is the loss of a life, and human life is something that cannot be restored or replaced. Most important, cardinal element in life is life itself
Love the Cardinal Experience . They also have a very good page on Angels, visit them here…….
this is where he is sitting on the wires above my yard.
We Are One
That is how we were describe, by everyone who knew us. OK, I know it has been close to 5 years since he passed away but in my heart it still feels like yesterday. Left broken and alone, my grief goes on. Yes I still cry for him, I am still grieving our love was so strong it’s impossible for me to let him go. No One Understands any more. And I now know I will be spending the rest of my life this way. I seen a pin on Pinterest , it is not mine. Must give credit to the person on Pinterest. I received it in my email and it hit me hard. I visit the person Pinterest board and was so impressed by her board. So many pins on her site was saying the right words. You must make the time to pay her a visit. Believe me, you will be captivated by her boards! So visit “Morgan“.
This particularly one really stands out. The words said it all. In the beginning we are all afraid of death. Most, at lease 99% will tell you they don’t want to die. I remember my husband ( Leroy ) and I use to tell each other that they must go first cause living without one or the other was impossible. Our love was strong but it was one and true to the end. The thought of going together would have been better. We did constantly tell each other we did not want to die. Even after 38 years we was still so much in love. We live 24/7 by each other sides. Many people said we had a very special kind of love and we were joined by the hip. We also worked together for the same company in the same department, and we took our breaks together and would leave at the end of the day ( we also worked the same hours ) headed home side by side. So when he passed, it really hit me hard in many ways and mostly I keep to myself because no one or should say most don’t understands. I truly believe three days before he passed, he told me he didn’t want to die. And I told him he wasn’t, we needed so much more time with each other, 24/7 was not enough time for our kind of love. The night of his passing I was down on my knees because he had fallen and I couldn’t move him. He was so heavy and he lodge himself in a doorway half on one side of the door and the other half of his body on the other side and pressed up against the door. Crying for him and waiting for the EMC. I watched him take his last two breaths…..devastated. I believed for a long time, I let him down. I couldn’t save him and he was gone. He’s my Angel and I know he waits for me.
So today if you would ask me if I was scare to die.
My answer would be NO!
Because I know he is on the other side waiting for me.
As hard as I try, I can not stop that feeling. It feels like a big hole in my chest and hurts so bad. The pain, there is no way to describe it…it’s unbearable. The loneliness is never-ending and yet we go on. How? I can not answer that for it feels like I am floating in a world that doesn’t exist…… Empty. Just trying to get through a day just to fight to get through the next day. And no one seems to understand how after 4 yrs. I still feel like this. Grief has no time schedule. So when does it ends? It doesn’t, we just learn to accept and to live on with our lives. Changes are made, we are now a completely different person then we were back then. As a friend said to me after I made the statement, things are never going to be the same. He looked me in my face and told me I will never be the same. At that time I didn’t understand what he was telling me. But now years later I understand. And I continue writing my feelings and seeking for peace but it has not been found. So I go on waiting my time to join my love and then we will be together again as we truly belong. And once again happiness will return. And we will once again be one. They say sharing is caring, so lets share and maybe we can help each other.
This statement is so true in many ways, your strength will always be tested. And in the end you will find out you are stronger then you think
Losing someone you love is never easy, it maybe the hardest thing you will ever have to do. And no two people are alike and the same with death. Everyone deals in their own way and on their own time. There is no time slot for grieving. It could take months and even years for someone to deal with the lost of a love one. So they say there are 5 stages of grieving some claims there are 7 stages. Grieving follows no orders and you can go in and out of stages and don’t even realize it. The pain is unbelievable and feels like it will never go away. They say in time the heart will heal but you will never forget the lost and the moment it happened. But most important is you need to understand everyone is just trying to help you cope, but they truly never understand just how deep is your pain. I know for a fact cause my pain happened on November 3, 2011 and to this day I can feel the pain and loneliness as if it was yesterday. They also say talking helps so here I am talking to you….just trying to find a way to ease my pain and hope you will join me and we can heal together