To set apart from others, To put by itself
To place or be placed
Isolator….a noun…..that’s what I am to myself without even knowing
Yes that is what I did to myself and didn’t even know until I sat back and looked at my life and what it has become. It started around the date April 14, 2016. The first step I took was deactivation my Facebook account. I just got so tired of spending so much time with something that only made me feel even worst about the way my life turned out. I spent the first 38 yrs. of my life with the one and only true love of mine. Since his passing I have lost all will for life. My interest in life is gone, I just make it through one day just to get to the next day, wishing life away. At one point in my life I did not like to sleep, I slept very few hours at a time, I wanted to spend my life..”My Time” “awake” being with my love ♥ Leroy ♥ and that was Good, because I was happy and in love. But Now? I find sleeping is a way to escape the pain of the hole in my chest that was created the day he passed taking so much of me and the best part of my life with him. But no one sees the pain I still carry. So with that said, Facebook is nice, lots of friends but I need to go on.
Then more and more days I found myself keeping my phone on privacy mode. I would see if there was any activities going on with my phone liking receiving a text or a notice. But mostly I use my phone for reading my books from Amazon and Goodreads. My new hobby that gives me peace, a real satisfaction of some kind. But now I spend most of my time alone…in silence…enjoying my alone time reading. A new good feeling. And I kind of like being in my own world undisturbed, just me and Mickey. Here is where I find my Peace.
It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while Its not so overwhelming. – Unknown
They say, having a red cardinal come around you is a sign from your love one who has pass…they are near by. So for days after I seen this post on Facebook, I looked for my red cardinal but they never showed up, until now. Yesterday I spotted two birds up in a tree in my yard and I waited patiently for them to come closer. It was two bird, one was definitely was a red cardinal. They never got close enough to take a picture of. But then this morning they were back. This time they were much closer and I was able to get a much better shot at getting a picture of them. Cardinals, in the family Cardinalidae, are passerine birds found in North and South America. They are also known as cardinal-grosbeaks and cardinal-buntings. Their color alone will put a smile on your face, they are a stunning bright red….so beautiful. “ Red Birds – When you see a red bird in winter, you will prosper in spring. When you hear a Cardinal sing, your sadness will soon be lifted. When a red bird shows up, help is on the way.“ Giving credit to The Cardinal Experience. In my opinion they are in a beauty of their own. And for the last two days I had the pleasure of citing these beauties in my yard. A Cardinal loss – A cardinal loss is the loss of a life, and human life is something that cannot be restored or replaced. Most important, cardinal element in life is life itself
Love the Cardinal Experience . They also have a very good page on Angels, visit them here…….
this is where he is sitting on the wires above my yard.
We Are One
That is how we were describe, by everyone who knew us. OK, I know it has been close to 5 years since he passed away but in my heart it still feels like yesterday. Left broken and alone, my grief goes on. Yes I still cry for him, I am still grieving our love was so strong it’s impossible for me to let him go. No One Understands any more. And I now know I will be spending the rest of my life this way. I seen a pin on Pinterest , it is not mine. Must give credit to the person on Pinterest. I received it in my email and it hit me hard. I visit the person Pinterest board and was so impressed by her board. So many pins on her site was saying the right words. You must make the time to pay her a visit. Believe me, you will be captivated by her boards! So visit “Morgan“.
This particularly one really stands out. The words said it all. In the beginning we are all afraid of death. Most, at lease 99% will tell you they don’t want to die. I remember my husband ( Leroy ) and I use to tell each other that they must go first cause living without one or the other was impossible. Our love was strong but it was one and true to the end. The thought of going together would have been better. We did constantly tell each other we did not want to die. Even after 38 years we was still so much in love. We live 24/7 by each other sides. Many people said we had a very special kind of love and we were joined by the hip. We also worked together for the same company in the same department, and we took our breaks together and would leave at the end of the day ( we also worked the same hours ) headed home side by side. So when he passed, it really hit me hard in many ways and mostly I keep to myself because no one or should say most don’t understands. I truly believe three days before he passed, he told me he didn’t want to die. And I told him he wasn’t, we needed so much more time with each other, 24/7 was not enough time for our kind of love. The night of his passing I was down on my knees because he had fallen and I couldn’t move him. He was so heavy and he lodge himself in a doorway half on one side of the door and the other half of his body on the other side and pressed up against the door. Crying for him and waiting for the EMC. I watched him take his last two breaths…..devastated. I believed for a long time, I let him down. I couldn’t save him and he was gone. He’s my Angel and I know he waits for me.
So today if you would ask me if I was scare to die.
My answer would be NO!
Because I know he is on the other side waiting for me.
So much time has passed but the feelings have not changed. Wondering each day will there come a time when I will be whole once again. The answer is no. I’m not the person I once was and never will be that person again. Seems no one understands these feelings of mine. I have no control of them. I try hard each and everyday to become the person I once was, but knowing that will never be possible. Because the day you left for your new home in heaven, you took a big part of me with you. And at that time the changes began. Each day I put on my survival face and go out the door to begin yet another day alone. Hard as it may be, I push myself to be the person everyone wants me to be. Smiling and chatting as if there is nothing wrong within the world. I’ve become such a good actress, no one knows the pain still exist. But once no one is looking, my head goes down, my shoulders weakens and my walk begins to slow. The energy for life I once had is gone. The smile on my face is just to make others happy when inside I am still hurting. Because of the changes I’ve gone through, I have lost family and friends along the way. In the beginning everyone understands, and will go out of their ways to console you. But in time they grow tired of the emotional roller coaster and then they no longer understanding and they drift away, left alone to deal in my own way. Losing interest in all life’s activities. I began closing myself away from the world, hiding from everyone and the happiness of life. Finding a safe haven locked behind my doors. Inside my home and behind locked doors, I can be the person I truly am. I don’t have to put on an act, I can be me. I walk the floors of my home over and over again thinking of you and all the things we shared. All the happy times we had together. I speak to you as if you are still here by my side and there is no one here to judge me. In my home I am at my most peaceful times. I wait each and every day for my time to come join you. Sitting by your side and feeling your love. That is the only wish I have left. This is not how I chose to live but learning to accept these changes in life has been the hardest acceptance of all times.
Holiday Reminders of loved ones lost: Holidays are a time for reflection. All too often your thoughts turn to beloved family members and friends and our beloved Pets who have passed away. The subsequent sense of loss you feel can spoil even the happiest times of the year…made to be sad. CHRISTMAS. Making the holidays for those who are alone even harder. They even make this statement “The first holiday season spent without someone who’s died during the previous year can be very rough”. But what they don’t mention is that first year feelings can last for years later. In my case.
There are a lot of very good sites to visit when you are feeling down and for me brings a little joy into the holidays……Star Bright Angels is a very wonderful site. They seem to know just what you are feeling and some how post the right postings on Facebook that makes you think someone cares and understand. Thinking you could really have your Angels watching over you. This web site I fell upon while just trying to see if there is such a thing for this feeling I’m having, I call it the holiday blues. This web site was Last updated December 9, 1999 but still have a lot of good information….Holidays Blues….
Now for the first time in 5 years, since 2010 was the last time my house was decorated for the holidays. So this is my baby steps lots more to go. Trying to heal after losing a major part of my life, My husband. Picture is the front of my home where I still live alone after the death of my husband. No, not doing a tree. That was Leroy’s job. He’s in a better place waiting for me to join him and enjoy our tree together. Maybe time will heal more and my Angel will guide me into……….
So with that I leave with this one statement……”I Don’t need an angel on top of my tree, I already have one in heaven looking down on me” ♥ ♥ ♥
My heart would not let me go on. No I am not a scrooge I use to love the holidays and everything involved. But back in 2011 my holidays lost all meanings. They are now the hardest times to get through. My husband ( Leroy ) was like a child when it came to Thanksgiving and Christmas. He so loved to decorate and did it so well. A big Thanksgiving dinner was a must. Then the day after Thanksgiving Leroy would begin the decorations for Christmas…and that is when the child in him came out. He did the tree with all the decorations and lights and then proceeded to go out front to put up the lights on the roof and all the decorations in the front yard. I did the decorations on the windows, hanging wreaths and garlands along with all the other Christmas items. It was a festive time. And we was beginning to feel the joy of the holidays
Then on Nov. 3, 2011 he passed away, and so did my joy for life. Just a few weeks before the holidays. I knew in my mind that holidays would never be the same, but I did not expect it to be that way forever. I was wrong. Every year comes the holidays and the hole in my chest would get even bigger, the pain of missing him is so strong. First year everyone understood, but now years later no one understands. The emptiness I feel and with no desire for life. Watching the people they are all feeling the joy of Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I feel more pain and emptiness. I cry and no one hears.
I want so bad to feel that joy again, but without the love of my life by my side…I don’t know if it is possible. I have not decorated since his passing, something inside of me won’t allow me to. I so want to change but my heart will not stop hurting. So many things brings back memories, although they are good memories the pain is even stronger. I pray to God every night…please help me…please make this pain stop….please take me to where I belong…please allow me to join my husband for I don’t know how to live without him. No one understands.
As hard as I try, I can not stop that feeling. It feels like a big hole in my chest and hurts so bad. The pain, there is no way to describe it…it’s unbearable. The loneliness is never-ending and yet we go on. How? I can not answer that for it feels like I am floating in a world that doesn’t exist…… Empty. Just trying to get through a day just to fight to get through the next day. And no one seems to understand how after 4 yrs. I still feel like this. Grief has no time schedule. So when does it ends? It doesn’t, we just learn to accept and to live on with our lives. Changes are made, we are now a completely different person then we were back then. As a friend said to me after I made the statement, things are never going to be the same. He looked me in my face and told me I will never be the same. At that time I didn’t understand what he was telling me. But now years later I understand. And I continue writing my feelings and seeking for peace but it has not been found. So I go on waiting my time to join my love and then we will be together again as we truly belong. And once again happiness will return. And we will once again be one. They say sharing is caring, so lets share and maybe we can help each other.